1. Rejected options: “Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth.” “Pretend to be a naughty piece of printer paper and tell him to ‘staple’ you.” “Act like a PDF and order him to ‘fax me hard.’ Make all relevant noises.” Incidentally, if the women who read Cosmo need to be cautioned against stabbing someone with a fork hard enough to break the skin, then their partners are going to need more than a safe word.